I determined, midway through the funeral (which was intentionally kept small), that I didn’t really need it. What I really needed was just to be near my family. In particular, I needed to talk with my dad about his memories and how we were both feeling. The ceremony was nice, but it didn’t really change anything for me—my grandfather had died, and I would just need time to accept that I won’t see him again.

In case you’re wondering, he died of an abdominal aneurism (yep, they’re not just in the brain). He had been diagnosed with it last summer, and we were told that the artery could burst in days or years. He was too frail for surgery, but would go quickly and without too much suffering. It turns out that we was awake at the end—not sleeping as I originally thought—and had been made comfortable. So as deaths go, it was a good one. He accomplished a lot in his life, and it was time to go.

As for me, I realized one minor regret, which is that he never got to see me golf. My grandfather was an avid golfer and taught my brother to play, but my dad and I didn’t start until years later. I used to joke that dad and I were the only ones who didn’t have the “golf gene” since my brother and uncle play, but it turns out that my dad didn’t play due to uncontrollable allergies when he was younger. I know that my grandfather was pleased that I learned to play a few years ago, but he was too weak to come out with us (even to sit in the golf cart) by the time I started. I suppose if I’d thought about it, I might have made a point of it—even just going to a driving range with him and my dad.

But such is life, and in the end it makes no real difference whether or not he saw me play. What really matters is that he knew I’ve come to enjoy golf as much as he did, and—more importantly—that he didn’t have to worry about me. He knew me as a capable adult, in control of my life and able to handle whatever comes at me. And I’m thankful for that.

I found out the next morning while helping to set up for a fundraising gala for Leadership Waterloo Region. My dad called me to give me the news, and I didn’t really hear much of it at the time. It was a brief call, and then I went back to work while I sorted things out in my head. Shortly after I left to have lunch with some close friends whom I told. Then I ran some errands and went home to get ready for the gala.

I chose not to tell many people at the gala, as I didn’t want to spoil the mood. After all, it’s not like this was a tragedy. My grandfather lived to 85, and had a pretty full life. He got to know his five grandchildren and his great-grandson, and there have been times over the past few years where I thought he might be leaving us soon.

Also, I had a lot to do at the event and I didn’t want people checking on me or asking how I’m doing or wondering if my need to keep moving and be helpful during events like this was a coping mechanism. I suppose maybe it was, but mostly it’s just what I like to do. Near the end of the event I let some of my friends on the organizing committee know the score though, as well as some coworkers who attended the gala.

And by the way, it was a great event–I’m really glad to have been a part of it, and it would have been a shame to miss it. As trite as it is to say, my grandfather wouldn’t want that. So I enjoyed myself, and in the quiet moments I thought about him. I tried to look for regrets, and I found none. I had a good conversation with him the last time I saw him, and I know he was proud of me.

My grandfather will be cremated and there won’t be a viewing. The ceremony will be roughly mid-February, so there’s no hurry for me to fly out to Vancouver, as I originally thought might be the case.

All that being said, please know that I appreciate your sympathies, but you needn’t post comments or send me e-mails offering your condolences. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful–there’s just no need for it. I’m doing just fine, and this is part of life, albeit a sad part. I’m not looking for sympathy, just a memory of my grandfather.

Thanks.

For one thing, I realized that I don’t want to turn these thoughts into conversations with whomever reads them. It’s not that your opinions aren’t important to me–it’s more accurate to say that if I want advice or sympathy or support, then I’ll go to people for that directly. So when people post things of that nature I feel compelled to respond, because if you go to the effort then you deserve a response. However, this isn’t a forum for that–it’s just a way for me to express myself and maybe work some things out in the process–which means that I’m not inclined to respond. It’s a bit of a dilemma.

So, contrary to what I posted recently, I think I might start writing again. Because in the end, this isn’t for anyone but me. The reason I put it out into the world is so that it means something–it wouldn’t have any value if I wrote things down in a journal that I wasn’t willing to show to anyone. I don’t know how often I’ll get to it, and perhaps this will just be a brief flash of activity followed by another year and a half of inactivity. I really don’t know, and I suppose I’m trying not to care.

I don’t have to be all in or all out.

And in a larger sense, that’s what’s on my mind: all in or all out.

I’m struggling with that concept a lot, lately, and there’s no simple solution.

I’m struggling to be here, in Kitchener-Waterloo, when my family is so far away. I’ll struggle more after my niece is born this spring.

I’m struggling with the concept of leaving KW, because I can’t imagine what I’d do somewhere else, and I can’t throw away everything I’ve worked toward, or leave behind the friends who have become my surrogate family.

Most of all, I’m struggling to figure out who and what I’m to become. At 32, I haven’t accomplished enough to satisfy myself. I see a path, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to walk it. I feel the need to do something big and important, but don’t believe that any good can come from trying to force it to happen.

I’m pulled in numerous directions that will force me to make choices I can’t reconcile. Professional success and financial security. Being closer to my family in BC. Spending more time with the people I love in Ontario. Making a strong contribution to my community.

I left FASS this year because I have to start making some of those choices, and it was the right decision. But it hasn’t gotten me any closer to where I want to be, since I don’t know what that is.

I look around and see friends and loved ones living lives that make sense for them. Some focus their energies almost entirely on their families. Others thrust themselves into their interests, whether it be volunteering, working a job they love, or performing on stage. Some manage to do multiple things.

I want to do all of that. And I have to eventually accept that it’s probably not possible–or is, at the least, highly unlikely, based on the choices with which I’m faced.

Moving to Vancouver to be with my family means blowing it all up and starting over again. Throwing away a good job for a company that I’m proud to work for. Reducing my strongest friendships to long-distance communication that I’m not very good at. Establishing myself in a community that I’m barely familiar with, and that might not actually suit me.

I decided against that a year ago–it doesn’t make sense. And yet, here I am, still thinking about it. I can’t put it out of my head.

I want to advance professionally, but I don’t know how best to make that happen. And sometimes I worry that I’ll never be as good at anything as I am at my current job.

I’d like to make a difference in my community. That’s always been the case, and it’s the reason I’m taking part in Leadership Waterloo Region this year. And if anything, that’s just raised more questions that I’m not able to answer.

I feel the need to take my life more seriously, and I can’t reconcile that with my penchant for being silly and off the wall, even though that’s perfectly reasonable.

And since I have no idea exactly who I want to be, I can’t figure out who I am right now.

And as a result, I’m locked into a pattern that may be repeating itself. A cycle that I need to break before it drives me crazy.

OR, I need to give in to the crazy and use it to my advantage.

Damn, another choice to consider…

I’m different now, but I couldn’t tell you exactly how or why. I just am. And it’s a good thing (I think). But sometimes I wonder if I should have kept to the writing–made it a higher priority.

Honestly though, I’m wondering if I should even bother with this post, or if I should just delete it. Not like anyone’s going to read it, anyway.

And that’s it, isn’t it? When I started writing this, way back before someone coined that horrible “blog” term, I didn’t care if anyone read it. It was for me–my own personal form of online expression–and it didn’t matter how many people were reading it. And I guess I lost that at some point. And I don’t think I can get it back.

And until I do, no more scatterthoughts for me.

Still, I wanted you to know that I’m doing well–even though I don’t know who you are, or if you remember me.

Oh, and I didn’t want that dumb anti-PETA post to still be up after all this time.

http://www.citynews.ca/news/news_25515.aspx

To be clear, I don’t support unethical treatment of animals, but this is not the way to go about “making a point”. Some people just don’t get it.

I have to say that I don’t miss the writing…at least, not right now. I suspect that I’ll eventually get back into it, but probably never be as prolific as I once was. And that’s fine, really, because I’ve got other things to think about these days.

Besides, I started this way back when so that I could do something different with my Web site. Now that everyone’s doing it, what’s the point?

Hope you’re having a good summer!

It’s been a loooong time since I wrote on Scatterthought, and the honest truth is that I don’t miss it. I guess I’ve moved on to other things. I suppose I’ll drop in every once in awhile when something really interesting comes along, like this article.

http://www.efluxmedia.com/news_Could_Wii_Fit_Solve_Obesity_Related_Problems_18065.html

Why does this interest me? Not because of the content, but because of the second sentence in the second-to-last paragraph. I read that and laughed, because I’m wondering if the writer intended for it to have a dual meaning, or if she just didn’t think about it and the editor also missed it.

Whatdya think?

I saw Rent last week, and I enjoyed it a lot. The plot isn’t fantastic, but the music and performers are. Twas a good evening, but in retrospect, I would have enjoyed it more without all the stress.

 On Friday, we held March’s Battle of the Bards. Later that night and through Saturday, I worked on the highly successful Canstruction Waterloo Region, which was great. Check out the structures this week (they’re up at Conestoga Mall until Friday).

Throughout all that, I had a mountain of office work, a committee meeting, and a calendar that kept filling up with more and more stuff.

And then on Saturday night, when the Canstruction award ceremony was over, I had a moment of sudden and immense relief. A complete mental shutdown that left me feeling much better when I woke up the next morning.

Now that March is out of the way, April should be easier. Aside from the continuing mountain of office work–and the auto article that I mistakenly wrote last night due to confusion with my editor–April is packed with fun stuff and minimal outside responsibilities. Yay! (for as long that lasts)

Now to the point; I commend you if you’ve gotten this far, and you are about to be rewarded for your diligent reading.

I have made a decision of sorts with regard to my future. To recap, the options that I presented myself with last summer were:

1. Stay in KW and pursue a part-time MBA at Wilfrid Laurier University beginning in the fall of 2008.
2. Move to Vancouver this summer and find out what the West Coast has in store for me.

Both options have been very attractive to me, and I considered them both strongly over the past year. So the answer is…none of the above.

Instead, I’m now favouring a revised Option 2, which is as follows:

• Move to Vancouver in the summer or fall of 2009
• Begin full-time MBA studies at the University of British Columbia in August 2009 or 2010.

I’m not going to go into the various reasons, but this option is very attractive to me right now. It’s also not definite…as was the case before, I need to sit on it for awhile before fully committing to it. After all, that worked the first time—while thinking about both of the original options, it became clear that neither was the right one. So you could say that I’m ahead of schedule in deciding to follow a different path, or that I’m postponing the decision due to a revised Option 2. After all, I could still choose to remain in KW and just take MBA studies at WLU in 2009, instead.

Suffice to say that my long-term future is still as unclear as it was before, but my short-term future is far more defined. And for now, that’s good enough for me.

It’s been years since I’ve given it any real thought…it’s become just another blog, and one that I no longer write with any regularity. It used to be part of who I was. I would write even when I didn’t have anything to say, purely because I enjoyed it. Purely because I wanted to see what would happen. And some of my most amusing stuff came from that attitude.

Nowadays, I write when something strikes me, but I don’t find that I write about myself as much anymore. Not like I used to do.

Maybe it’s because I’m older. Maybe it’s because I’m not experiencing life in the same wide-eyed, naive way I used to (not that I’ll ever claim to have all the answers). And maybe it’s just because everyone else is doing it now, and I’m rarely interested in doing what everyone else does.

Whatever the reason, I feel like…like this site is past its prime. And I think I’ve felt like that for a long time now. I could look back at some of the earlier stuff from the first 3-4 years and see really meaningful things. Nowadays, all I do is report things that are happening in my life (when I think to do so) and comment on the world around me.

So what’s the solution? Well, I still like having a place to write when I feel like it, so I’m not going to take the site down. Scatterthought will always exist…it’s one of the few things that’s uniquely mine…

And even that’s somewhat at an end. I just did a google search for “scatterthought”, and it would appear as if a number of people have adopted my word for their own use. I don’t know how I feel about that.

I guess I’m a bit disappointed, because this site has become little more than a journal. It used to be so much more than that. At least, I thought it was.

When I started the site way back in 2001, I asked myself what I could possibly have to offer the world via a Web site. And the only answer was, myself. So that’s what I did. And it was fun and amusing and a great tool for developing my writing skills and humour.

Now, it needs to become something else. And I don’t know what that is.

But I suspect I’ll figure it out.

We would all be lucky to live as good and decent a life as Mr. Clarke.