Am I living life?

The answer, of course, is yes. Because that’s the wrong question.

It would be more accurate to ask if I’m living the life I want to live.

Or the life I need to live.

I’m fascinated by the idea of giving it all up and wandering the earth for a year or two, but I don’t know if I could actually do it. I think I missed the window, and that’s a little unfortunate. I spent my early 20’s heading toward a marriage that didn’t happen. When that life was aborted, I found a new one that’s proven fairly rewarding, and somewhat lonely. I got it into my head that I wasn’t giving enough back to the world, so I went on a mission of sorts. I set out to do things that would benefit my community, and after five years I feel pretty good about where I’m heading, and what I’ve done.

I just wonder if it’s enough…for me. I keep saying that I get great joy out of the things I do, and that’s not wrong. What I’m wondering is if I could have found greater joy in another path. Perhaps one a little more self-rewarding. Maybe after my engagement ended in 2003, I should have abandoned KW and travelled the world. It would have made sense at the time, but really, I wasn’t in the right state of mind. I was just trying to keep it together, and running away would have been just that–running away.

I don’t believe that I could enjoy life as some people do, just leaping from experience to experience with no idea what’s coming next. And at the same time, I question this belief. Maybe I’ve just conditioned myself to believe that I need a direction…a plan. Maybe I could thrive without one, wandering the world at random.

And maybe I’d be utterly lonely, lacking the close friends whom I cherish so much.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’ve only just decided this now. Seriously, as I write this, I’m actually making the decision.

Next year, I’m going to a destination-to-be-picked-randomly, without a plan or an idea. If I decide to stay in KW, I’ll go sometime next summer. If I decide to move to Vancouver, the trip will be part of my transition.

I’m just going to pack a bag and go. I might even just go to the airport and pick a flight to get on. I’ve always liked the idea of doing that. Or maybe it’ll be a train to nowhere in particular. Who knows?

Guess I should get a passport one of these days.



  1. Good idea! GO! Your friends will still love you regardless of where you are, you big ninny.

  2. Hey Russ,
    I applaud you for making the decision to just go at some point. You’re friends will always be around for you to visit or to visit in your travels. The nice thing for you is that you can right about it and turn it into a great novel!!


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