…but I’m not sure what to write.
Long-time visitors might recognize this for what it is: my ongoing inability to admit that things aren’t great. Even that last sentence is a hedge, since the corollary is that things aren’t bad, either. Basically, I refuse to take a negative viewpoint on my present circumstances, even if that’s what I’m feeling.
That’s a good thing and a bad thing. On one hand, I’m not giving in to the badness. I’m not saying, “everything sucks, so pity me.”
On the other hand, I’m not expressing the actual emotions I’m feeling. I’m not saying what’s really and truly in my heart.
And I can’t find a middle ground for both sides to reach consensus.
Every time I write a sentence that suggests that I’m miserable, I delete it. Because I refuse to let myself be miserable, and I refuse to let others believe that I’m miserable. It just doesn’t feel right to say things like that, when there are so many people in this world who don’t have it nearly as good as I do.
People tell me that it’s okay to be selfish and that I shouldn’t always see myself relative to the world around me, but that’s the point, isn’t it? Too many others in this world are already too selfish. They think their problems are bigger and more important than everyone else’s, and I refuse to be one of them.
Besides, the people who deserve the most happiness are the ones who sacrifice the most to make others happy. That’s not necessarily what actually happens (far from it, in many cases), but it’s the viewpoint I’ve held for years, and I can’t just change it suit my present mood. If it worked for me when things were good, then I have to make it work when things aren’t. Otherwise, I’m just a hypocrite who believes whatever serves me best at the moment, and we have enough of those to deal with already.
So, you know what? I’m just going to keep doing what I do. I’ll do my best to make other people happy, and let happiness come back to me when it’s good and ready.
This is, more than anything, what it means to be me.