Moody is defined as “given to frequent changes of mood; temperamental.” So I’m not moody…I’m just in a mood.
The question is, what kind of mood? And more importantly, why?
Anthony asked awhile back why it is that I crave feedback. And the truth is that I don’t entirely know. On one hand, it’s about adjustment–analyzing my behaviour to maximize my contribution to this world. On the other, it’s emotional–a need to understand what people see when they look at me.
When I started this site, the idea was that I didn’t really care if anyone read it or not. I wasn’t writing for anyone else…it was for myself, and if someone else happened to read it then so be it. That’s changed over time, for better and for worse. Nowadays, I write for myself…but I do so knowing that it affects how people think of me. So, I’m not nearly as free with my words as I was before. And you know, that’s exactly what I don’t want.
As a result, I don’t know if this site is proving as effective as it once was in terms of clearing my head. Sure, I still work out ideas and concerns, but I sometimes delete entire sections because I don’t want anyone to read what I wrote. I look at it and wonder how people might interpret it.
Is this growth? Maturity? Lots of people have secrets…things they tell no one else. And certainly, I have some of my own. But I’ve worked hard to be an open book…only to realize that I’m not as open as I once was.
Frankie’s comment about how this site has changed over time certainly contributed to this line of thought. I used to be right out there with my emotions. Lately I seemÂ more concerned about the image this site projects of me. So even when I admit something I don’t like about myself, I have to make it all positive, like I’m working throughÂ it. Basically, I have to always sound like I know what I’m doing.
And that’s far from the truth. There’s lots that I’m uncertain about.
I suspect the comment system is part of the problem. As cool as it is for people to be able to chime in on what I write, that ability has reinforced that people are out there holding opinions about me. And I suppose I don’t want to write something highly introspective and then get everyone’s thoughts back on it…at least not in an open forum. Maybe that’s why I don’t make a habit of responding to comments.
I don’t know what the solution is. I have a strong desire to go back to my roots and write what I’m feeling without censoring myself. But I wonder if I can reallyÂ go back to that. I wonder if it’s possible to be a mature adult and be as open as I want to be. Maybe I’m just yearning for the old days because, quite simply, the old days were happier.
Maybe…well, there are lots of maybes. Tons of maybes. Legions of maybes, one of which may be the answer. None of which may be the answer.
So hereÂ I am, trying to control which flaws people see in me. Thinking that if I either don’t talk about them or talk about them as problems I’m solving, people will think better of me. Not realizing that people will construct their own beliefs as to what my flaws are, whether I write about them or not.
Maybe I’m not as brave when it comes to talking about myself as I think I am. But you figured that out already.
Maybe I should quit while I’m ahead.
Maybe I’ll surprise you.
And maybe not.