I’ve fluctuated a lot over the years. At one point, practically everything I thought about went on Scatterthought. But then I got to a point where I couldn’t or wouldn’t share everything that was going through my head, and that made it difficult to write.
For one thing, I realized that I don’t want to turn these thoughts into conversations with whomever reads them. It’s not that your opinions aren’t important to me–it’s more accurate to say that if I want advice or sympathy or support, then I’ll go to people for that directly. So when people post things of that nature I feel compelled to respond, because if you go to the effort then you deserve a response. However, this isn’t a forum for that–it’s just a way for me to express myself and maybe work some things out in the process–which means that I’m not inclined to respond. It’s a bit of a dilemma.
So, contrary to what I posted recently, I think I might start writing again. Because in the end, this isn’t for anyone but me. The reason I put it out into the world is so that it means something–it wouldn’t have any value if I wrote things down in a journal that I wasn’t willing to show to anyone. I don’t know how often I’ll get to it, and perhaps this will just be a brief flash of activity followed by another year and a half of inactivity. I really don’t know, and I suppose I’m trying not to care.
I don’t have to be all in or all out.
And in a larger sense, that’s what’s on my mind: all in or all out.
I’m struggling with that concept a lot, lately, and there’s no simple solution.
I’m struggling to be here, in Kitchener-Waterloo, when my family is so far away. I’ll struggle more after my niece is born this spring.
I’m struggling with the concept of leaving KW, because I can’t imagine what I’d do somewhere else, and I can’t throw away everything I’ve worked toward, or leave behind the friends who have become my surrogate family.
Most of all, I’m struggling to figure out who and what I’m to become. At 32, I haven’t accomplished enough to satisfy myself. I see a path, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to walk it. I feel the need to do something big and important, but don’t believe that any good can come from trying to force it to happen.
I’m pulled in numerous directions that will force me to make choices I can’t reconcile. Professional success and financial security. Being closer to my family in BC. Spending more time with the people I love in Ontario. Making a strong contribution to my community.
I left FASS this year because I have to start making some of those choices, and it was the right decision. But it hasn’t gotten me any closer to where I want to be, since I don’t know what that is.
I look around and see friends and loved ones living lives that make sense for them. Some focus their energies almost entirely on their families. Others thrust themselves into their interests, whether it be volunteering, working a job they love, or performing on stage. Some manage to do multiple things.
I want to do all of that. And I have to eventually accept that it’s probably not possible–or is, at the least, highly unlikely, based on the choices with which I’m faced.
Moving to Vancouver to be with my family means blowing it all up and starting over again. Throwing away a good job for a company that I’m proud to work for. Reducing my strongest friendships to long-distance communication that I’m not very good at. Establishing myself in a community that I’m barely familiar with, and that might not actually suit me.
I decided against that a year ago–it doesn’t make sense. And yet, here I am, still thinking about it. I can’t put it out of my head.
I want to advance professionally, but I don’t know how best to make that happen. And sometimes I worry that I’ll never be as good at anything as I am at my current job.
I’d like to make a difference in my community. That’s always been the case, and it’s the reason I’m taking part in Leadership Waterloo Region this year. And if anything, that’s just raised more questions that I’m not able to answer.
I feel the need to take my life more seriously, and I can’t reconcile that with my penchant for being silly and off the wall, even though that’s perfectly reasonable.
And since I have no idea exactly who I want to be, I can’t figure out who I am right now.
And as a result, I’m locked into a pattern that may be repeating itself. A cycle that I need to break before it drives me crazy.
OR, I need to give in to the crazy and use it to my advantage.
Damn, another choice to consider…