I realized something today.
I’m generally fine when I’m around people…I don’t think about moving to Vancouver or stuff like that. I talk about it as being a possibility in my future, but it’s more conversation than introspective thought.
I’m a mess when I’m on my own. That’s when I feel lonely and unhappy, and start doubting myself and what I do and why I bother. I start reeling off the introspection, wondering why I can’t make things better than they are. Wondering what I have to do.
I know, that just makes me like a whole bunch of other people out there. It’s just, whenever I’m not focused on a specific task, I come back to the same topic. That’s not surprising: I know something’s wrong, and I can’t figure out what it is. Naturally, I’m drawn back to the subject in search of an epiphany.
It’s the not knowing that’s really killing me, and has been for far too long.
And that’s where Vancouver comes in. The idea of the move is like a white knight in the distance. It’s not *the* answer…it’s the possibility of an answer. Part of me wants to decide to go, just so I can see if it changes how I think about the world.
It’s been suggested to me that the big change isn’t necessary…that I just don’t know how to make small changes. But the problem is, I don’t know what small changes I’d make. Like I said in the last scatterthought, I’ve fashioned a pretty decent life in KW. Aside from working less, there’s not much that I can look at and say, “that needs to change”. And even if I worked less, I’d probably just spend the extra time beating myself up mentally and emotionally.
Maybe the problem is that I don’t really buy it. That is to say, I don’t really believe that I deserve to be happy. Sounds dumb, I know, but that’s just the sort of conclusion I’m prone to making. It goes with the whole, “I don’t deserve anything” mentality to which I subscribe. I suspect that if I sat around being happy, I’d start to feel guilty. Maybe this is me protecting myself from…me.
Sounds really, really stupid. I know.
And if I could just convince myself…really convince myself…that it is, I suspect I’d be that much better off.