More reflections

I was out with some friends earlier this evening, and now I’m home. I have some things I need to take care of tonight, as I won’t have much time to work on them tomorrow. Just checked my e-mail, and in responding to one message I had something of a realization about myself, which (of course) demands a scatterthought.

Now to be clear, I may have had this realization before, in which case this is not an original thought. But if I did, then I don’t remember having it. In which case I’m stuck in a loop that I may not get out of. Whatever.

So here it is: I am unwilling to appear as if I really want something.

For example, I can’t take auditions seriously. I haven’t been able to for years. In fact, I think the last time I took an audition seriously was high school. I might have taken my first FASS audition seriously, since I didn’t know what was going on. But that was 11 years ago. Nowadays, I can’t take auditions seriously. Whenever I go in to audition for something, I need to appear aloof…like I don’t care. Like I’ll be happy whether I get a part or not.

The same thing goes for impromptu performance. Like when I sing for people. We went to a karaoke bar last weekend, and whenever I sing I tend to act a little silly. I can’t just sing and take things seriously. I have to appear as if I don’t care if I’m good or if I suck.

Are you seeing the pattern? No? Okay, one more example.

Dating. Or more specifically, lack of dating. Whenever I get interested in a woman, I act like I don’t care if she’s interested in me or not, while quietly hoping that she is. Even if other people know that I’m interested in her, I can’t show her that I am.

Do you see what I’m getting at? No? Okay, try this. Stare at the screen, and then let your eyes unfocus a little bit, so that your vision blurs a little bit. Two words should pop out at you:

DEFENSE MECHANISM!!!

Yep, that’s what it is. I refuse to outwardly show that I really want something, because then failure isn’t a real possibility. If I don’t get a part in the production, or I don’t sing well, or the woman isn’t interested, then it’s okay because I didn’t really try.

The same thing happens in rehearsals…I can never get fully into character until the actual production. It happens when I’m singing with a band (though not as noticeably when I’m playing saxophone). It happens every time I use self-deprecating humour to suggest to people that I’m not as good or skillful as they think I am (especially after they’ve just complimented me).

I’m afraid. I’m afraid to let people know what I’m really thinking unless I can control it. I’m afraid to let them down. When it comes to performance, I’m afraid of being taken seriously and looking foolish. When it comes to women, I’m afraid of being rejected, so I don’t give them a chance to.

Strange then, that I go confessing all of my inner demons on Scatterthought…that I make a habit of it, in a supposed attempt to improve myself by telling the world what’s really going on in my head. Very strange.

Truth be told, I’ve made a lot of statements like this over the past year, and I don’t know how many of my self-improvements have actually been enacted. So I think I need to take a read back through Scatterthought and see what’s what. What am I doing well? Where have I strayed? And why do certain things keep repeating themselves?

Would it be so terrible if I allowed myself to be proud of who I am? And can I force myself to do that in the real world, instead of just writing about it on Scatterthought? Heck, I don’t even know who reads this stuff anymore.

And I really don’t know how to end this scatterthought. My writing style tends toward positive-upswing endings, but that doesn’t feel like the right approach this time around. I think I have to call this a work in progress.

And I think I have to leave it that way for now.