My Life

I started this scatterthought earlier in the week, but I haven’t been able to figure out exactly what it is I want to say. I think I might be getting too fancy, so I’ll dumb it down to the bare essentials.

I like my life, and I can’t imagine it changing.

I don’t like my life enough the way it is, and I need to change it.

Quite the conundrum, eh?

I’ve been so busy at times (a year ago) that I started losing my mind. I’ve been so bored and cocooned (four years ago) that I wasn’t contributing anything to society.

I’ve packed my life with all sorts of activities that I’m enjoying. I love the fact that I’m making a difference in this world, even if it’s just a small difference. I believe that I have the potential to make a big difference in the world at some point in the future, and I love thinking that. The problem is, I don’t know how that opportunity is going to come about.

So I spread myself out, opening myself to all the different things that I get enjoyment and fulfillment out of. Am I hoping that my grand opportunity will present itself via one of these paths? Or am I paranoid that it will pass me by, choosing a route that I didn’t take?

Side note: today’s metaphorical discussion is easier to grasp if you visualize me staring at a whole bunch of forks in the road. I leave the rest of the interpretation to you.

The problem is, I’ve neglected a particular path. Sometimes it’s on my peripheral vision. Sometimes it’s staring me right in the face. And yes, it is the path of love and relationships.

I’m not saying that I’ve turned down opportunities for relationships. The reality is that, in recent times, that path has been closed to me. But the thing is, it’s always there, and it’s a wide path. It’s going to be tough to add it to the many routes I’m already taking, because I haven’t kept enough of myself in reserve. More than likely, it’ll force me to give up some of my paths, and sacrifice access to the opportunities they present.

I can’t imagine my life any other way, but I know it’s going to change. And I know I’ll embrace those changes. After all, I’m not the first person to feel this way. My friends who have become parents have had to change their lives significantly, dropping the things they enjoy to focus on their children. I miss them when they’re eventually around less often, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The question for me is, how much can I keep doing while still giving full attention to my partner? Or, perhaps more accurately, how do I add a relationship to the mix without compromising the person I am now? That’s what happened four years ago…I gave up everything to be with someone and became less happy with myself as a result.

The answer is simple, of course: find the right woman. Someone who supports what I do and takes pride in my accomplishments, while I do the same for her. The woman from four years ago wasn’t that individual. Nor were any of the women between then and now.

So I’ll keep my eyes open. I can see the relationship path, and I know what it will demand of me. When the time comes, I’ll leap onto it, and see what happens from there. After all, it could turn out to be the grand opportunity I’ve been on the lookout for.

I can’t imagine my life changing.

But let’s not forget…I thrive on change.

Russ