Streaming consciousness

Something I haven’t done in a long time is just sit down and type, letting the words flow from my mind directly into my hands. That’s what I’m doing right now. My eyes are closed, and I’m just typing to see what happens, looking only when I think I’ve mistyped something. No edits…well, ecxept for a…no, that’s not what I’m trying to say. Umm, no edits, unless it occurs to me in my head to edit. Which is a little hard to do when you’re typing purely by feel.

For the record, I’ve always been a decent typist. Dunno why, but it’s just a comfortable thing for me to do. Whereas my handwriting sucks, and I tell people that it’s because I should write with my left hand instead of my right, but was taught right-handed. Thatere’s sprobably some truth to that, but who knows really?

I’m pretty sure I made a mess of that last paragraph, and I’m tempted to just leave it that way without cleaning it up when I’m done typing. Nowadays, word processors fix the common typing errors, which is raelly a major time saver that makes a lot of sense. But it doesn’t help us improve our typing skills at all, and for that erason I sometimes wsh I ould

Wow, I butchered that. I don’t even have to look. I cna just feel it. My fingers are getting ahead of my brain, and…

I draw a blank.

I’m trying to picture the keys in head, and that’s not really working. Well, sorta kinda. But not really. And it doesn’t feel like it’s helping. WWhatever.

Anyway, down to busienss. Why am I writing another late-night scatterthought? Because, as usual, I can’t sleep. Nothing’s bothering me right now…I’m just not tired. So I figured I’d just let the words flow from my head and see what comes of it. But I find that I’m so worried about typing errors that I’m obsessing, and not really getting to anything more meaningful.

I wonder if I’m actually going to leave this scatterthought unedited, with spelling mistakes intact. And I can tell you the answer: if I deem it respectable, I’ll leave the mistakes. If it’s unintelligble, I’ll fix it. And to be clear, that’s nothing to do with legibilitity…it’s everything to do with image.

You see, that’s the way I am. I need to control what people think about me, while giving off the impression that I don’t care at all.

I need you to think that I’m right out there, when the reality is that I attempt to calculate everything the world sees about me.

That’s probably more obvious to people than I’m willing to believe, and maybe not. Either way, it’s true, and I’m not entirely proud of it.

That is to say, I’m proud of the fact that I’m able to exert some control over my self-image. I’m not proud of my need to do it. I wish I could not be so concerned with what other people think about me. Because if I did that, maybe I’d find a way to be a little more comfortable in this world.

Instead, I’m me.

When people praise me, I have a strong urge to deny and reject their praise. I’ll even go so far as to point out what I could have done better, or deflect the praise to someone else. Not because I’m humble…though I am. But more because I don’t want people to think too highly of me, lest I disappoint them. And myself.

At the same time, it’s important to me that people see what a generous person I am. and I don’t know why that is. I’d like to say that the point of being generous is for other people to notice, so that they’re inclined to be generous with other people. But really, I just want to be recognized as a enerous person.

I guess I just want to be appreciated not for the things I accomplish so much as the things that make me who I am. If that makes any sense.

I don’t know if that’s really it. But it’s close.

There’s a war going on inside of me. It’s a cold war, really. No overt strikes or violence.

On one side, the part of me that wants to be a star or a hero. The person who wants to be recognized for all the things he does, and who idolizes people who are. Not movie stars and athletes, necessarily. Just people who do good things in this world. Some local people I can think of for instance. People who are known throughout KW because of their attitudes and contributions to our community. I’m trying to be one of those people.

The other side is the quiet, reserved person that I don’t show to the world very often. The person who wants to do things just because they need to be done, without getting any recognition. And not needing it. This is the side that usually ends up on the losing end. And yet, it’s far more important to me.

It’s the foundation for the truly selfless act. I feel like whenver I do something and receive praise or recognition, it’s not selfless, because I’m gaining something from it. And I want to feel…like the things I do are pure in spirit.

Or something like that.

Yee gads, is this what I sound like when I don’t censor myself? You must think I’m nuts.

And there I go again, trying to control the situation. Instead of just leting you think whatever you think, here I am labelling my behaviour.

I used to say that I’d like to see a psychiatrist, just to find out what they’d have to say about me. Lately, I wonder if I should really do that…just to see if they can provide me with some answers. Or at least, help me find those answers myself.

I hate admitting that. I’ve always believed that I can figure out anything for myself…but I’ve been circling in my head for far too long now. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to seek an expert opinion.

What stops me isn’t the stigma…it’s the idea that I’d be using up a doctor’s valuable time…when there are people out there who probably need the help more than I do.

And, perhaps, therein lies the root of my dilemma.

How do I help myself, when …no, that’s not what I’m trying to say.

How…how…how…

I guess what I’m trying to say is that seeking professional advice would mean putting my own needs ahead o others. And that’s not something I do very often.

Because, if other people in this world can’t find the answers or the happiness they need, why should I get to?

Russ