Life still sucks. Though not as much as it did a couple of weeks ago.
Here’s the funny thing: after that little depressive period I went through, things haven’t really improved. But my limits have been stretched, and the bar has been raised. Basically, things are still just as crazy as they were before, but I have more capacity to deal with them. Or, more accurately, I think I have more capacity to deal with them. Whether I actually do or not is another question.
I’m essentially playing chicken with myself. A few weeks ago, I didn’t realize that I was heading downhill fast. This time, I know I’m heading downhill fast. I’m watching myself on television, watching myself on television. And yes, that’s intended to be repeated.
Signs that I’m going downhill fast? Well, I’m mostly keeping my good humour up, but I’m short on patience with certain people. I’m trying to set up a get-together with some friends I haven’t seen in awhile, and find myself annoyed that we can’t arrange a date. More annoyed than I should be, and far more than I normally would be.
But for the most part, my short fuse is directed at people I don’t know. Like the people in the supermarket yesterday who were blocking the aisle and not paying attention or just not caring. I actually wanted to shout at them to get out of the way. I didn’t of course…I’m not a sociopath. But I felt myself wanting to just tell someone off, and looking for excuses to do so.
As twisted as I am, I find this somewhat fascinating. It’s like a case study, where I’m both the researcher and the subject. Again, watching myself on television, watching myself on television.
Of course, in the comic books the guy who conducts research on himself usually thinks he can handle it, then ends up flying out of control and going on a drug-induced, super-powered rampage that ends only when the heroes find an antidote to calm him down.
Good thing this isn’t a comic book, eh? Otherwise I might be a little concerned.
Anyway, a researcher has to have a theory, right? So let’s see…what’s my theory…
Okay, how ’bout this: I’m determining how far I can push myself when I’m aware of what’s going on. This can be compared to before, when I pushed myself without realizing how close I was to my limits. I’m just not sure what this can prove. I suppose, coming back to the beginning of this scatterthought, it’ll prove if my capacities have really been increased. If, as they say, what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.
Meh, I guess we’ll figure that out. One way or another.
Whoops, sorry. Didn’t mean to break out the maniacal laugh.
Not yet, anyway.