Am I living life?

The answer, of course, is yes. Because that’s the wrong question.

It would be more accurate to ask if I’m living the life I want to live.

Or the life I need to live.

I’m fascinated by the idea of giving it all up and wandering the earth for a year or two, but I don’t know if I could actually do it. I think I missed the window, and that’s a little unfortunate. I spent my early 20’s heading toward a marriage that didn’t happen. When that life was aborted, I found a new one that’s proven fairly rewarding, and somewhat lonely. I got it into my head that I wasn’t giving enough back to the world, so I went on a mission of sorts. I set out to do things that would benefit my community, and after five years I feel pretty good about where I’m heading, and what I’ve done.

I just wonder if it’s enough…for me. I keep saying that I get great joy out of the things I do, and that’s not wrong. What I’m wondering is if I could have found greater joy in another path. Perhaps one a little more self-rewarding. Maybe after my engagement ended in 2003, I should have abandoned KW and travelled the world. It would have made sense at the time, but really, I wasn’t in the right state of mind. I was just trying to keep it together, and running away would have been just that–running away.

I don’t believe that I could enjoy life as some people do, just leaping from experience to experience with no idea what’s coming next. And at the same time, I question this belief. Maybe I’ve just conditioned myself to believe that I need a direction…a plan. Maybe I could thrive without one, wandering the world at random.

And maybe I’d be utterly lonely, lacking the close friends whom I cherish so much.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’ve only just decided this now. Seriously, as I write this, I’m actually making the decision.

Next year, I’m going to a destination-to-be-picked-randomly, without a plan or an idea. If I decide to stay in KW, I’ll go sometime next summer. If I decide to move to Vancouver, the trip will be part of my transition.

I’m just going to pack a bag and go. I might even just go to the airport and pick a flight to get on. I’ve always liked the idea of doing that. Or maybe it’ll be a train to nowhere in particular. Who knows?

Guess I should get a passport one of these days.