Late-night self doubt

If you asked me right now, I’d say that I’m likely to move to Vancouver next year. I don’t know why. That’s just how I feel at the moment.

I don’t think people quite get it…given how well things are going for me in KW, people find it hard to understand why I would choose to leave it all behind. And I guess the answer is that the environment isn’t the problem; I’m the problem.

All you need to know about my environment is this: I may not have everything I want, but I do have everything I need. That sounds like a pretty good life, and it is.

Yet, it doesn’t feel…right. Not in a “something’s missing” way, but in a “parallel universe” way. Sometimes I feel like everything’s just clicking, and other times I don’t know why I’m bothering. Sometimes I look at my career and get excited about the future. Other times, I think that I should abandon it and find something that I really want to do.

All of the time, I wonder if I’m capable of more than I’ve shown thus far. And I’m reminded of the fact that I’ve never really been passionate about, well, anything. I’ve never taken the huge risk, because I’ve never felt it necessary to do so. And I wonder if that’s holding me back…preventing me from reaching my potential.

I guess that’s why Vancouver is so enticing. Beyond bringing me closer to my family, it presents a huge risk. Leave behind the comfortable life that I’ve established to start over completely. Maybe I find something to be passionate about; maybe it’s a disaster. Maybe the act itself is what I really need. And maybe I just need to contemplate it for awhile and then move on.

On one hand, I can’t stand when people overestimate their abilities…you see it all of the time. I wish that they had the sense to know their limits. On the other hand, I wish I had their determination and willingness to put themselves out there and do something they believe in, even if they aren’t the best.

I wish I believed in myself that much.

So why is it still a strong possibility that I’ll move to Vancouver? After all, logic demands that I stay where I am and keep doing what I’m doing.

But this is a decision that needs to made in my heart, not my head. This time around, logic just isn’t a factor.