Spiraling, Part III

Anyway, the thing about spiraling is that…

No no, I’m just kidding. After the boring mess of words that was today’s earlier scatterthought, I felt the need to write something more interesting in the hopes of justifying your current visit to Scatterthought. You can read the last one if you’d like…it’s probably not as bad as I think it is. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Anyway, I’d like to talk about something that I haven’t discussed much recently, which means, of course, The Vancouver Plan.

It’s still on track for a decision in May/June 2008, and nothing will change that. And yes, some days I feel like going, and some days I feel like staying. However, this is not a scatterthought to discuss the odds.

Rather, it’s to ask an important question: will I really be happy if I move to Vancouver?

I don’t know the answer to this question. My desire to move back has to do with being near family and old friends, as well as living on the beautiful BC coast once again. But it’s tempered by the fact that the person I am in Vancouver is significantly different from the person I am in Ontario. And I wonder if it’s a good idea to fool around with that.

I’m the youngest in my immediate family, and the truth is that when I’m around them I can’t help feeling like that. More importantly, I can’t help behaving like it. To an extent, I revert to the teenager I once was, looking up to my older siblings and craving their approval. Which is silly, to be honest. We’re all accomplished adults. I’ll be 30 this year, while my sister will be 34 and my brother will be 38. Those are age gaps that mattered when we were young, but don’t anymore. Or, more accurately, shouldn’t anymore.

The same goes for my friends. I was one of the smarter kids in school, and I desperately wanted to be a leader–the type of person who people followed purely because they wanted to do so. I tried, and the reviews were mixed. And even though it’s been years, I feel like I would still go back to being that person if I were to re-integrate with those people. I could never just relax and be myself, and I wonder if I would slide back into that.

Like I said, I’m a much different person out here. I’m the person I want to be. It took years to get to this point, and I want to keep it intact. But I’m worried that I won’t manage it if I move west.

Again, it’s silly. There’s absolutely no reason that I should revert or change, and the likelihood is that I would continue to be my happy self, whether I’m here or in Vancouver. But part of being me is asking questions like this…wondering about the what-ifs and the maybes. To put it metaphorically, charting the best course through troubled seas. That’s the one character trait I don’t worry about…it’s always been there and always will be. Some people call it pessimism, but it’s only pestimistic if I only see the downside of an issue. Rather, I try to see the potential downsides so that I can get to the upside with as little difficulty as possible. And if you still insist that that’s pessimistic, then I’d much rather be pessimistic than blind.

Will I be happy if I move to Vancouver? It’s impossible to say, of course. For more reasons than those discussed here. This is just the current, prevailing question on my mind…and the fact that I’m conscious of it means that I can probably avoid falling into the trap.

So, will I be happy if I move to Vancouver? After this little discussion, the odds have improved significantly.

And that’s all I need to know.