Struck by a bolt of confidence at 3am

I’m awake.

It’s 4am, and I’m awake. Partially because I’ve been up late and sleeping in all weekend. Partially because I’ve had a lot on my mind, of late.

And partially because I just wrote one of my most eloquent, insightful, and personally meaningful scatterthoughts ever…and then accidentally closed my browser without saving it. So let’s try again, because this is important. Yes, more important than sleep.

Long-time visitors to this site will know that I’ve been struggling for the past couple of years to figure out what my future is. Not to predict it, but to plan it. Earlier this summer, I confessed on Scatterthought that I felt like I was falling behind in life. People around and about my age are settling down…getting married, buying houses, having kids. And I felt like I should be there with them.


Because I was supposed to be there with them.

Two-and-a-half years ago, I was on track to be married and settled. But that relationship ended when we determined that we didn’t want the same things out of life. The house and the kids…that was all me. She wanted something different; when she realized that, our relationship ended.

Now I’m beginning to think that even though the relationship died…my plan didn’t. I’ve held on to it, thinking that I could still make it happen, even while I knew better. I’m 28 and single. That’s not exactly the fast track to 30 and settled.

More importantly, now I’m not sure that I want to be 30 and settled.

It’s time to let the plan go. And earlier tonight, I did just that. My friends can go off and get married and have houses and kids. That’s what suits them, and I wish them all the happiness in the world. But it’s not what I want, and it’s about time I stopped fooling myself into believing that to be the case.

Suddenly, I’m filled with confidence that I haven’t felt in a long time…maybe never before. I find myself thinking about possibilities that I’ve never seriously considered. Things that I’ve always found some reason to disregard. Opportunities that I haven’t explored.

I’ve made great strides in the past few years becoming the person I want to be, but I’ve never pushed the limits. I haven’t stretched out and become the person I can be.

Suddenly, anything less isn’t good enough.

I know only one thing for sure about my future. I’ve always derived the greatest satisfaction from doing things that benefit others, and that has to remain an integral part of my life. Not to say that everything I do has to be important, but I need to have something meaningful–a cause or a purpose–to contribute toward.

Suddenly, I’m free of the expectations I’ve built up for myself over the years. I’m free to consider new options and possibilities. I’m free to find myself and determine my future. I am more open to the world around me than ever before, and truly ready to make my mark on it.

It’s too bad…this scatterthought really was more eloquent and thought-provoking the first time around. But that’s life.

And I’m going to live it.


One Comment

  1. Nice new layout, Russ – It’s very clean and simple. I used to always get the urge to rearrange furniture, webpage layouts and clean my hard drive when I felt I needed a change. Usually, it was because I couldn’t find room to make changes anywhere else in my life. In your case, however, it seems like you’ve managed to make pretty sweeping changes that go far beyond your website. Well done! (=

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